by Jamesscotthenson | Jun 26, 2017 | Blog
I haven’t done a good job being consistent with Mindfulness
Monday in a while either. All those series threw things off.
I’ve said it often on this blog: you cannot do anything
worth doing without experiencing some kind of criticism.
It is just the way things work, it is inevitable. It will
not hurt you. It might even help you, if you can approach it mindfully.
I am not immune from criticism. I have this insane notion in
my head about needing to be perfect. This makes it easy for criticism to get me
down. I meet a lot of people who experience this. I also meet a lot of
people who have an insane notion that they are perfect they way they are and do
not need to listen to anything anyone else has to say. Neither of these
positions are mindful or useful.
If we watch our mind when have been criticized we will see
that it almost instantly goes into a sort of protective frenzy, trying to solve
the problem it perceives.
What do they know anyway?
How dare they say that about me?
They need to get their own house in order before criticizing
mine.
They were probably having a bad day.
They are just unhappy jerks.
And on and on.
None of these thoughts are helpful.
They are soothing, but that doesn’t mean they are useful.
These are all the same as telling a friend that there are plenty
of fish in the sea after a breakup or a parent that God needed another angel
when they lose a child. Simple phrases that help us avoid the pain of the
situation.
A mindful approach to dealing with criticism allows us to
take a moment and experience how we feel about it, and being criticized sucks.
It brings up all sorts of difficult emotions like anger and fear, maybe even
betrayal.
Approaching it mindfully instead of trying to explain it all
away allowed me to learn that I immediately experience guilt whether I agree
with the criticism or not. Even when I haven’t met the person, my mind jumps to
the thought that I must have done something wrong, and a cycle of emotions
starts. Instead of trying to explain this away, being mindful allows me to sit
with these things and work them out instead of going into protective mode.
It allows me to learn from the situation, and consider the
idea that the criticism may be valid, and see it as an opportunity for growth
in my life.
What happens when someone criticizes you?
Do you immediately agree or disagree?
Are you able to be objective about it?
What would it be like to simply experience everything
instead of letting the mind rationalize it away?
by Jamesscotthenson | Jun 25, 2017 | Blog
We haven’t done a Sunday Pop-Up in a while, so today I will
write about the things that have “popped up” over the last few weeks.
Max turned three on Friday the 22nd, and it was another
reminder of just how quickly time goes by.
The whole point of this blog is to focus on intentionality
in life because it goes by so quickly and we will all die someday, and
there aren’t many things that bring this into focus like kids getting older.
It’s cool how much we fall in love in with our children and how much they mean
to us, and it’s scary to think about how difficult it would be to raise them
without that. They bring so much disruption into our lives that it sounds
miserable, but when it’s all happening it’s fun.
I am part of a few Facebook groups dedicated to business and
online entrepreneurship.
They are a constant challenge for me as I learn a lot, but
find that I dislike most of the people (or presentation of self at least) and
general vibe they cultivate. I think this goes back to my struggle with
self-promotion and the inherent disingenuousness of approaching someone with a
stated intention when you actually have a whole different intention in mind. I
am still trying to work out what a balance between promoting things that I see
as providing value and behaving with integrity looks like.
I really enjoy audio books and encourage everyone to give
them a try.
They are game-changing in a lot of ways, especially if you
have a lot of dead space that could be filled with something constructive. I
try to have one book for learning, one for spiritual growth and one for fun in
my rotation at all times. It has been really cool.
My parents were in town for about ten days.
They gutted our old front bathroom and remodeled it, it
looks amazing. I wish I had the skill set they have with that kind of stuff.
Max really enjoyed hanging out with them all week, and learned how to introduce
himself to people – “My name is Max, I’m glad to see you”, and then shake hands
while looking them in the eye. Great stuff.
Goals for this week are to finish up a few lead magnets,
edit a meditation we recorded in group and post it online, record the 4th
podcast before everyone forgets those are even a thing and finish oiling the
new fence my dad and I built.
Thanks for reading, enjoy your Sunday.
by Jamesscotthenson | Jun 24, 2017 | Blog
We live pretty easy lives these days.
We drive where we need to go, we have safe food at our
fingertips, we can talk to people all over the world. I don’t even have to
physically walk into my bank anymore unless there’s a problem, like someone
stealing my debit number and buying a bunch of Walmart gift cards and
cigarettes in New Jersey. Even that was fixed in minutes.
We have all these luxuries and conveniences because of the
nearly endless line of other human beings that came before us.
There is this chain of people, stretching back into the
distant, distant past, and they endured untold hardship and suffering as they
played their part in this great drama called history. A vast majority of them
came and went without so much as a mention in the books or our memory, as most
of us will.
Your chain created you through millions and millions of tiny
iterations and nuances, and here you are. Some were helpful, some not so much,
but they all contributed to you being alive at all, and they all did so in
circumstances quite different from our own.
There is a beauty in this chain and in the history of all of
us, a beauty in how, though we are one in billions, we are a necessary part in
the chain for everyone who comes after us.
I find a deep gratitude for everyone who came before and
paved the way for all of this, and try to do my part for everyone who comes
after.
Can you see yourself in this great play?
Can you be grateful to the ancestors who allowed you to be
here?
“GULLS WHEEL THROUGH SPOKES OF SUNLIGHT OVER GRACIOUS ROOFS
AND DOWDY THATCH, SNATCHING ENTRAILS AT THE MARKETPLACE AND ESCAPING OVER
CLOISTERED GARDENS, SPIKE TOPPED WALLS AND TREBLE-BOLTED DOORS. GULLS ALIGHT ON
WHITEWASHED GABLES, CREAKING PAGODAS AND DUNG-RIPE STABLES; CIRCLE OVER TOWERS
AND CAVERNOUS BELLS AND OVER HIDDEN SQUARES WHERE URNS OF URINE SIT BY COVERED
WELLS, WATCHED BY MULE-DRIVERS, MULES AND WOLF-SNOUTED DOGS, IGNORED BY
HUNCH-BACKED MAKERS OF CLOGS; GATHER SPEED UP THE STONED-IN NAKASHIMA RIVER AND
FLY BENEATH THE ARCHES OF ITS BRIDGES, GLIMPSED FORM KITCHEN DOORS, WATCHED BY
FARMERS WALKING HIGH, STONY RIDGES. GULLS FLY THROUGH CLOUDS OF STEAM FROM
LAUNDRIES’ VATS; OVER KITES UNTHREADING CORPSES OF CATS; OVER SCHOLARS
GLIMPSING TRUTH IN FRAGILE PATTERNS; OVER BATH-HOUSE ADULTERERS, HEARTBROKEN
SLATTERNS; FISHWIVES DISMEMBERING LOBSTERS AND CRABS; THEIR HUSBANDS GUTTING
MACKEREL ON SLABS; WOODCUTTERS’ SONS SHARPENING AXES; CANDLE-MAKERS, ROLLING
WAXES; FLINT-EYED OFFICIALS MILKING TAXES; ETIOLATED LACQUERERS; MOTTLE-SKINNED
DYERS; IMPRECISE SOOTHSAYERS; UNBLINKING LIARS; WEAVERS OF MATS; CUTTERS OF
RUSHES; INK-LIPPED CALLIGRAPHERS DIPPING BRUSHES; BOOKSELLERS RUINED BY UNSOLD
BOOKS; LADIES-IN-WAITING; TASTERS; DRESSERS; FILCHING PAGE-BOYS; RUNNY-NOSED
COOKS; SUNLESS ATTIC NOOKS WHERE SEAMSTRESSES PRICK CALLOUSED FINGERS; LIMPING
MALINGERERS; SWINEHERDS; SWINDLERS; LIP-CHEWED DEBTORS RICH IN EXCUSES;
HEARD-IT-ALL CREDITORS TIGHTENING NOOSES; PRISONERS HAUNTED BY HAPPIER LIVES
AND AGEING RAKES BY OTHER MEN’S WIVES; SKELETAL TUTORS GOADED TO FITS;
FIREMEN-TURNED-LOOTERS WHEN OCCASION PERMITS; TONGUE-TIED WITNESSES; PURCHASED
JUDGES; MOTHERS-IN-LAW NURTURING BRIARS AND GRUDGES; APOTHECARIES GRINDING
POWDERS WITH MORTARS; PALANQUINS CARRYING NOT-YET-WED DAUGHTERS; SILENT NUNS;
NINE-YEAR-OLD WHORES; THE ONCE-WERE-BEAUTIFUL GNAWED BY SORES; STATUES OF JIZO
ANOINTED WITH POSIES; SYPHILITICS SNEEZING THROUGH ROTTED-OFF NOSES; POTTERS;
BARBERS; HAWKERS OF OIL; TANNERS; CUTLERS; CARTERS OF NIGHT-SOIL; GATE-KEEPERS;
BEE-KEEPERS; BLACKSMITHS AND DRAPERS; TORTURERS; WET-NURSES; PERJURERS;
CUT-PURSES; THE NEWBORN; THE GROWING; THE STRONG-WILLED AND PLIANT; THE AILING;
THE DYING; THE WEAK AND DEFIANT; OVER THE ROOF OF A PAINTER WITHDRAWN FIRST
FROM THE WORLD, THEN HIS FAMILY, AND DOWN INTO A MASTERPIECE THAT HAS, IN THE
END, WITHDRAWN FROM ITS CREATOR; AND AROUND AGAIN, WHERE THEIR FLIGHT BEGAN,
OVER THE BALCONY OF THE ROOM OF LAST CHRYSANTHEMUM, WHERE A PUDDLE FROM LAST
NIGHT’S RAIN IS EVAPORATING; A PUDDLE IN WHICH MAGISTRATE SHIROYAMA OBSERVES
THE BLURRED REFLECTIONS OF GULLS WHEELING THROUGH SPOKES OF SUNLIGHT. THIS
WORLD, HE THINKS, CONTAINS JUST ONE MASTERPIECE, AND THAT IS ITSELF.”
― DAVID MITCHELL, THE THOUSAND AUTUMNS OF JACOB DE
ZOET
by Jamesscotthenson | Jun 23, 2017 | Blog
Ok, you don’t have to have a secret plan, but you do have to
have a plan if you are going to follow-through on things you need to do.
A secret plan can’t hurt though.
Think of the things you have failed to follow-through on.
Think of one in particular.
How big was the thing you wanted to do?
How many moving parts did it have?
How far did you get on it?
When did your motivation run out?
What derailed you?
If you are anything like most of the people I talk to (and
myself), you got derailed somewhere around the start of the plan because of how
overwhelming it was.
It’s a tough thing to go from the fun/motivated part of
doing something new to the cold, harsh reality of actually doing it.
The problem is that there’s no plan. There’s no plan so we
are looking at everything at once at it is overwhelming. Building IKEA
furniture seems daunting with all the parts and screws and crappy little
disposable wrenches laid out in front of you, but it’s easy if you follow the
directions and go step-by-step.
We have to do this in our own lives when we start a big
change or project, we have to plan how we are going to do it. If we get
excited and jump in and there’s no plan we fall on our face and give up.
Don’t just decide what you are going to do decide how you
are going to do it.
Look at what it’s going to take, and plan for the hard
parts.
Know your own weaknesses and plan accordingly.
Read up, consult people who know more than you.
Have a plan.
Have a secret plan if you want.
Just have something.
by Jamesscotthenson | Jun 22, 2017 | Blog
One of the primary reasons I see people struggle with
follow-through is a lack of distress tolerance.
We live in a world and society that tells us, either
directly or indirectly, that we do not ever have to be unhappy or
uncomfortable. There are quick-fix pills for just about everything, including a
large variety of healthy life struggles and difficulties.
Now, I am not a masochist or someone who thinks we should
necessarily manufacture struggle and hardship. I am not someone who thinks we
should derive our meaning and identity from struggle and suffering. These
things are not useful.
We should, however, cultivate an ability to withstand
distress and maintain equanimity in the face of the things we cannot control.
It’s not that hard.
One of the surest ways to cultivate distress tolerance is to
simply do everything you need to do, regardless of how you feel and regardless
of what you think of these things.
It’s amazing how much our opinion of things makes a mess for
us, especially when you consider just how irrelevant our opinion about things
really is.
What is your opinion about the current weather? How much
does the weather care? It has been brutally hot here, planes are grounded, all
sorts of stuff. People are complaining, the weather stays exactly as it is.
What about chores, like the dishes and taking out the trash?
How much do you dislike them? How much less necessary have they become because
of your opinion?
This applies to everything.
We live in this weird time where we think we have mastered
reality, so we are in constant opposition to anything we dislike, making our
peace fragile and our contentment fleeting. Of course we cannot follow-through
on things in this state. We bail at the first sign of discomfort or difficulty.
Do the things you need to do, no matter what.
Be uncomfortable, be unhappy, and realize that it doesn’t
really matter.
Take cold showers.
Eat the same food.
Drive in silence.
Sleep less than you can.
Work.
Learn to mediate so you can observe how the mind pulls you
to and fro.
See what happens.
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