by Jamesscotthenson | Aug 26, 2017 | Blog
Ghosts Can’t Hurt Us
This is not a post debating the reality of ghosts.
Ghosts are the perfect example of being afraid of being
afraid. I don’t know why they are scary, but they freak us out. Unless we are
talking about a poltergeist or something, ghosts can’t really do anything to us
except make noises and rattle chains and stuff like that, but they scare us.
Much of what we struggle with in life is like this.
It all seems huge and overwhelming and unhandleable.
But, when we really stop and look at it, we could very much
handle it. Sometimes it’s not even that scary. Like a ghost, it’s really just
the idea of it that freaks us out. Once the situation is in front of us, it
just becomes another part of life to deal to deal with. Once it is passed, it
becomes just another story in our life.The worst part about it was the
anticipation, the fear of fear. We suffer more worrying about it than we do
with the actual situation. When it comes time to take concrete steps to deal
with it, it’s simple.
Harmless Ghosts
I couldn’t handle losing my job.
Yes, you could. It would suck but you would find another
one. It might even be an opportunity to find a better job.
I couldn’t handle my marriage ending.
Yes, you could. It would be miserable and painful, but you
would work through it. It could even be an opportunity to grow and evolve.
I couldn’t handle failing.
Yes, you could. It would be humiliating and embarrassing,
but you would survive. It might even force you to take an honest look at
yourself and make some positive changes.
Just ghosts.
What are the ghosts in your life?
What do you fear because your mind tells you to fear it?
What would the concrete steps for working through it look
like?
What can ghosts really do to you?
by Jamesscotthenson | Aug 25, 2017 | Blog
The Self
Selfishness. This word just means that one is about the
self. That one prioritizes things related the self. We have all these moral and
social stories built up around it, but at its core, it is just that – self-ish.
A lot of my trouble just fell away when I began exploring
the idea of a self, trying to discover where it was centered and what it
wanted, because I could not find it. It was terrifying and liberating at the
same time.
I guess those things often go together now that I think
about it.
Suffering and the Self
What struck me was how much of my suffering was caused by me
trying to protect this self that I suddenly couldn’t even find. I’d spent my
life lying and deluding and self-medicating this oppressive ghost, and I
suddenly recognized that it was never there.
It shifted my first instincts on a situation to explore how
I might help other people or what might be best for everyone involved instead
of trying to orchestrate everything to go my way. It shifted my thoughts to see
situations as inherently neutral and allowed a friendly curiosity to grow.
It made everything so much easier.
The Tyranny of the Self
Let’s be clear though – I am not free of the self by any
stretch of the imagination, When I get tired or sick or stop taking care of
myself, it rises like a tyrant and starts to run the show. I start thinking
about myself first, and everyone around me starts to seem like unhelpful,
selfish jerks. This continues until I realize I’m just looking in the mirror
and need to get myself together.
What does the idea of a stable self drive you to do?
What is the first thing you think of when situations change?
What would you change if you thought of others first?
What is keeping you from doing just that?
by Jamesscotthenson | Aug 24, 2017 | Blog
Avoiding Discomfort
It is crazy to me to look back and see how much of my life
was spent trying to avoid discomfort and unhappiness. It is scary to see how
much we do this as a society. I am not sure when we arrived here, but at some
point, we decided that we have to fix anything unpleasant or inconvenient, even
if it is healthy. We often try to do this the easiest way we can, through
distraction and intoxication and denial.
Avoiding discomfort leads to short sighted choices and
situations that are not dealt with as we try to kick the can down the street
just one more time. Every time an uncomfortable situation arises we tell
ourselves it is the last time we’ll deal with it unskillfully. We
will definitely turn over a new leaf and do the hard work next time.
Discomfort as a Part of Life
Realizing that discomfort and unhappiness and difficulty are
a part of life was revolutionary for me. They are not right or wrong, they are
just emotions that we are programmed to dislike to promote change. It is our
wanting them being different that causes us so much difficulty because we run
from thing to thing trying to hold them at bay. We never learn to just sit with
them.
I kept them at bay through drugs and alcohol, of course, but
also through other more subtle tactics. I re-wrote situations in my mind to
shift blame or used mental gymnastics to avoid responsibility altogether. I changed
my motives for doing something retroactively to make the outcomes seem more in
line with something I wanted. I lied and cheated and made up stories, all to
avoid that icky feeling of something being uncomfortable.
And things stayed uncomfortable as a result because I was
using all these different strategies to pretend there was no problem. You won’t
put mousetraps out if you convince yourself the rodents are pets.
What are you doing to avoid dealing with something?
How do you avoid discomfort?
What would it be like to just deal with the source?
by Jamesscotthenson | Aug 23, 2017 | Blog
The Importance of Accepting Responsibility
One of the first things I notice about people when they show
up at my office is how much responsibility they are willing to accept. Much
like the locus of control, where we place responsibility is everything. It
tells us a little more than our locus of control though. It often helps us see
how we view other people and tells us how much insight we have. It is also one
of the most important things in the process of change.
When I meet someone who firmly places even a majority of the
blame on other people, especially if that person is their spouse, I immediately
realize there is some heavy lifting to do before we can get to any sort of
cosmetic change in their life.
Lack of Responsibility
For years and years, I placed all the blame for the things
that were in my life on other people. They were all jerks and assholes and just
didn’t get it, man. I was trying to do the right things, I was trying to do
better, they were making it impossible for me. This applied to friends, family,
bosses, coworkers, the police, everyone. I never – and I think I can honestly
use never here – looked for my responsibility in situations because I honestly
thought I didn’t have any. There was always an excuse. I always found the
thing someone else could have done and used it to excuse myself.
I felt I was powerless in life because I was. By
refusing to accept responsibility I was giving away any power I had the
second it appeared.
Looking for Responsibility
I have yet to see a situation in which one person
was completely at fault. I rarely even see an 80/20 split, and when I
do it is because there is a significantly disordered person in the
relationship. The most important thing I learned about responsibility is that
looking for my responsibility in every situation keeps my focus where it should
be, on the things I can control. It keeps me from wasting time trying to sort
out who is responsible for what. I try to look at what I did, see what’s my
fault (regardless what the other person did, my response is always my own) and
correct it.
This has nothing to do with the other person apologizing or
not. This has nothing to do with them at all. If I stay firmly on my side
of the street I don’t really have to worry about what other people do and I
don’t have to worry about what I will do because it is intentional. I can be
who I want to be regardless of how other people are acting.
Where could you be accepting more responsibility in life?
Where are you blaming someone else for your actions or your
response?
What would it look like to own these things?
by Jamesscotthenson | Aug 22, 2017 | Blog
Our Locus of Control
Our locus of control determines how much power we perceive
ourselves as having. An external locus of control leads us to blames others and
external circumstances for the things that happen to us. An internal locus of
control brings us to believe we have power and influence over what is going on
in our life.
I am a fan of an internal locus of control except where it
is irrational. There are things that are well beyond our control. Not accepting
this can lead to self-hatred or self-criticism on the one hand, or something
akin to a God complex on the other. Neither is useful.
Changing the Locus of Control
Shifting to an internal locus of control was the second
thing that allowed me to change my life. I remember looking at Tyler one day
and thinking about how this poor kid got screwed in the dad lottery, when a new
idea suddenly came to me.
What if I did something different?
Exploring this tiny little question led to other questions.
What if I made deliberate choices instead of going with
whatever came my way?
What if I had a plan?
What if I chose how I treated people based on who I wanted
to be instead of in response to how I perceive them as treating me?
What I created a path instead of choosing the one that
looked easiest?
It was magical at first, and a whole new world opened up to
me. There were a few hard lessons about the ego along the way, but these were
valuable in and of themselves. It was an entirely new way of looking at the
world.
Locus of Control and Our Response
At the core of all of it was the Truth that we always have
control over our response to the things that are beyond our control. There is
an unexplainable power and peace in this.
Do you do things, or do they happen to you?
Where are expressing helplessness when you have the power do
something differently?
Are you truly locked into choices and situations, or would
leaving them just be inconvenient?
Where is your locus of control?
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