by Jamesscotthenson | Sep 14, 2017 | Blog
A Perfect Life, A Perfect Lie
There is no time in life where everything magically comes
together and we are problem free. Things are not just going to get easy at some
point. No matter how well you live, how wise your decisions are, or how smart
you are, difficult things are going to come your way.
There is never a time in life where everything is perfect.
This sounds like bad news, but it’s not.
It’s not good or bad, it’s just the way life works.
Things happen, we like some of them, we don’t like others.
There is this whole universe out there, outside of us. It doesn’t revolve
around us, it didn’t start with us, and it will not end with us.
It doesn’t even necessarily notice us.
Everything has the opportunity to teach us something if we
let it.
Everything is an opportunity to evolve.
Everything is the step toward somewhere.
We only suffer if we think we have the right to determine
where that somewhere is.
Life will never be problem-free.
It gets easier and easier depending on our decisions, but it
never gets perfect.
There is no reason it should.
What is life trying to teach you right now?
How are you responding to this opportunity for growth?
by Jamesscotthenson | Sep 13, 2017 | Blog
It’s easy to forget that our mind can only deal with one
thing at a time. Much like a movie on a reel, things run together so quickly
that they look like a continuous stream. A bunch of static shots looks like
moving pictures.
I can tell this is happening when I feel overwhelmed.
Everything seems to be speeding at me, and I can’t keep up.
This isn’t real, but it feels like it is.
I noticed this when I sat down to brush my teeth this
morning. Three hours of sleep and a sick kid. My plan to work on stuff blown
out of the water. Feeling sick myself. A bunch of clients in a row later in the
day and none of this is factoring in all the stuff I wanted to do. I have a
huge list right now. E-courses and ebooks and new websites and content upgrades
and 175,000 words of blogs to sort through. A fence to oil.
I’m just so important.
My body reacted to this. Pounding heart and sweaty palms and
a sick stomach. My blood was rushing just a little too quickly.
None of this was actually real while I was brushing my teeth
though. The bodily sensations were there, but they were not negative. Just
feelings. My thoughts about them caused me to struggle.
Nothing was coming at me either. Nothing was overwhelming. I
was sitting down, brushing my teeth. Everything else was imagination and
exaggeration and fake accumulation. Everything was coming at me one at a time,
limited by the availability of time. Each moment can only bring what each
moment brings. It is jumping to the future that causes trouble.
Notice flooding, and recognize it as not being real.
Deal with what is right in front of you.
Nothing more.
by Jamesscotthenson | Sep 12, 2017 | Blog
“You don’t have to turn this into something. It doesn’t have
to upset you.”
Marcus Aurelius
Don’t Turn It Into Something
Most things are pretty small when we get down to it.
Something happens.
We like it or we don’t like it, even though it has nothing
to do with us.
If we don’t like it, we turn it into something. It upsets
us.
We take it personally and get mad and invest in our own
suffering. We tell ourselves stories and extrapolate from a tough situation and
the future gets dark.
We turn it into something.
It upsets us.
Things are just things.
If they are beyond our control they have nothing to do with
us.
A toddler gets sick and wakes you up at midnight and throws
up until around 3 am before finally falling asleep.
You write your blog and try to lay down for a while, knowing
it won’t be enough.
You’ll be tired and you haven’t sorted out how you are going
to rearrange the work day.
It’s just something that happened.
You don’t have to turn it into something.
It doesn’t have to upset you.
Right?
by Jamesscotthenson | Sep 11, 2017 | Blog
Believing in Belief
I am a big fan of believing in stuff. I think belief is
necessary to our existence as humans.
We all believe in something. I have a hard time ranking
these beliefs in terms of believability or likelihood. I know that we live in a
time where reason and science are the dominant perspectives, but there is a
belief system at work there too. For all of our cockiness, what we don’t know
still drastically outweighs what we do know. Everything is a belief system
whether people want to admit it or not.
Belief and Internal Consistency
I also know that it is considered cool to ridicule some
belief systems. I have a hard time with this as well because they usually tend
to be internally consistent. If the Christian belief system is True then evil
and free will and heaven and hell and everything else make perfect sense. If
one has a more fundamentalist or evangelical bent, then things like a flat
earth, demons, and impending rapture also make sense. If someone is a Buddhist
then karma and reincarnation make sense within the internal framework. To a
materialist, the Big Bang and evolution make sense.
It’s all internally consistent.
You’ll notice that part of my belief system is that internal
consistency is necessary or means something. This may or may not be true.
Belief has Consequences
I get that these beliefs have consequences. Every belief has
consequences. A belief that Christians or Muslims or Buddhists or Atheists are
wrong also carries consequences, people who hold that belief just see the
consequences as acceptable or even useful. I don’t really even find myself
asking myself if I agree or disagree with a person’s belief system unless they
are imposing it on other people or me, or if they are picking a fight. Most of
the time I just see it as the way they process the world.
Belief Structures Reality
The thing is, the fact that anything exists at all is so
weird that I can get myself to a place where just about every belief system
seems like it could be true. I can see the things that lead people to believe
in it and the benefits that come out of it for them. I am not saying that every
belief system is true, because many are mutually exclusive, only that I can see
how they could each be the “right” one.
Except maybe Scientology.
That one is hard to swallow.
What are the things you believe about the world?
What beliefs do you tend to ridicule?
What beliefs are you using to ridicule other beliefs?
by Jamesscotthenson | Sep 10, 2017 | Blog
I used to do a lot marital and premarital counseling before
I realized that I am not smart enough for it. There are too many plates
spinning for me. I like one-on-one relationships where I can be very honest
with people without having to worry about their partner using it against them.
One thing that working with couples made me believe very
deeply is that who we choose as a life partner is one of the most important
decisions we will ever make.
I always tell people that getting into a committed
relationship with someone is like tying your boat to theirs. If they go over a
waterfall, you go with them.
Choose wisely.
Today is Barbara’s birthday. I tied my boat to hers almost
ten years ago now, and I have been grateful for that ever since. Not only does
she not take us over waterfalls, she tends to go in the same direction I am
going and forces me outside of my comfort zone pretty often. She
keeps me from going over waterfalls.
Barbara is cool. She likes being around people and doing
cool stuff. She likes being involved in things and having friends. If you know
me very well, you are laughing right now because these are not my favorite
things. I have experienced some fun stuff because of how she is.
She has a soft heart and cries quickly, sometimes over
tribute videos to professional wrestlers. She is kind hearted to the point of
having a difficulty saying anything mean or harsh to anyone. She is truly
modest – not only does she never post selfies, I will be in trouble for
whatever picture I choose to put with this post.
So I chose a bunch of pictures.
In for a penny, in for a pound.
Family means more to her than anything else. My parents love
her. Her parents love her. She and Tyler have a neat relationship. My grandma
thinks she hung the moon. They wear their robes together and drink coffee on
the couch. I call them the Ladies of Luxury.
I got really lucky with who I tied my boat to.
Barbara is a great mom and wife, and we have a lot of fun
together. We are building a life, and I am glad she is my partner in all of
this. I was a difficult husband for the first few years of our marriage, and
she stuck with me. I am still a difficult husband sometimes, and she still
sticks with me. We are both growing and evolving together, and that’s pretty
cool.
Happy Birthday, Biz.
by Jamesscotthenson | Sep 9, 2017 | Blog
A Smile in Your Heart
So, a middle finger in your heart is not the best way to go.
This seems obvious. It is disingenuous and dishonest and will eventually come
out in passive aggressive ways.
But how does one develop a true smile in their heart?
How do we cultivate a desire to want the best for others
instead of wishing a fiery death on them?
I think there are a few ways.
Understand that everyone has a reason for doing whatever it
is they are doing. Look at the things you do, and think about how they make
sense to you. Give other people the credit for doing the same. They are, for
the most part, rational beings doing the best they can with what they have.
Don’t make maliciousness your go-to motive with other
people. Most things are much easier to explain with incompetence than any sort
of ill-intention. Even intentional maliciousness can be seen as incompetence in
knowing how to deal with something.
Ask yourself if there is a way to help rather than judging.
We automatically feel connected to people when we are helping them, and we are
more likely to assess them positively. Try it.
I like to remember that everyone was a baby once, all cute
and innocent. The world made them the way we are. We naturally see ourselves as
a result of our environments, the same applies to other people.
It’s much easier to go through life giving other people the
same amount of grace and slack we give ourselves. It naturally creates a sense
of connection and compassion for others, which makes it much easier not to want
them dead.
It’s much better to have a smile in your heart than a middle
finger.
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