by Jamesscotthenson | Aug 25, 2017 | Blog
The Self
Selfishness. This word just means that one is about the
self. That one prioritizes things related the self. We have all these moral and
social stories built up around it, but at its core, it is just that – self-ish.
A lot of my trouble just fell away when I began exploring
the idea of a self, trying to discover where it was centered and what it
wanted, because I could not find it. It was terrifying and liberating at the
same time.
I guess those things often go together now that I think
about it.
Suffering and the Self
What struck me was how much of my suffering was caused by me
trying to protect this self that I suddenly couldn’t even find. I’d spent my
life lying and deluding and self-medicating this oppressive ghost, and I
suddenly recognized that it was never there.
It shifted my first instincts on a situation to explore how
I might help other people or what might be best for everyone involved instead
of trying to orchestrate everything to go my way. It shifted my thoughts to see
situations as inherently neutral and allowed a friendly curiosity to grow.
It made everything so much easier.
The Tyranny of the Self
Let’s be clear though – I am not free of the self by any
stretch of the imagination, When I get tired or sick or stop taking care of
myself, it rises like a tyrant and starts to run the show. I start thinking
about myself first, and everyone around me starts to seem like unhelpful,
selfish jerks. This continues until I realize I’m just looking in the mirror
and need to get myself together.
What does the idea of a stable self drive you to do?
What is the first thing you think of when situations change?
What would you change if you thought of others first?
What is keeping you from doing just that?
by Jamesscotthenson | Aug 24, 2017 | Blog
Avoiding Discomfort
It is crazy to me to look back and see how much of my life
was spent trying to avoid discomfort and unhappiness. It is scary to see how
much we do this as a society. I am not sure when we arrived here, but at some
point, we decided that we have to fix anything unpleasant or inconvenient, even
if it is healthy. We often try to do this the easiest way we can, through
distraction and intoxication and denial.
Avoiding discomfort leads to short sighted choices and
situations that are not dealt with as we try to kick the can down the street
just one more time. Every time an uncomfortable situation arises we tell
ourselves it is the last time we’ll deal with it unskillfully. We
will definitely turn over a new leaf and do the hard work next time.
Discomfort as a Part of Life
Realizing that discomfort and unhappiness and difficulty are
a part of life was revolutionary for me. They are not right or wrong, they are
just emotions that we are programmed to dislike to promote change. It is our
wanting them being different that causes us so much difficulty because we run
from thing to thing trying to hold them at bay. We never learn to just sit with
them.
I kept them at bay through drugs and alcohol, of course, but
also through other more subtle tactics. I re-wrote situations in my mind to
shift blame or used mental gymnastics to avoid responsibility altogether. I changed
my motives for doing something retroactively to make the outcomes seem more in
line with something I wanted. I lied and cheated and made up stories, all to
avoid that icky feeling of something being uncomfortable.
And things stayed uncomfortable as a result because I was
using all these different strategies to pretend there was no problem. You won’t
put mousetraps out if you convince yourself the rodents are pets.
What are you doing to avoid dealing with something?
How do you avoid discomfort?
What would it be like to just deal with the source?
by Jamesscotthenson | Aug 23, 2017 | Blog
The Importance of Accepting Responsibility
One of the first things I notice about people when they show
up at my office is how much responsibility they are willing to accept. Much
like the locus of control, where we place responsibility is everything. It
tells us a little more than our locus of control though. It often helps us see
how we view other people and tells us how much insight we have. It is also one
of the most important things in the process of change.
When I meet someone who firmly places even a majority of the
blame on other people, especially if that person is their spouse, I immediately
realize there is some heavy lifting to do before we can get to any sort of
cosmetic change in their life.
Lack of Responsibility
For years and years, I placed all the blame for the things
that were in my life on other people. They were all jerks and assholes and just
didn’t get it, man. I was trying to do the right things, I was trying to do
better, they were making it impossible for me. This applied to friends, family,
bosses, coworkers, the police, everyone. I never – and I think I can honestly
use never here – looked for my responsibility in situations because I honestly
thought I didn’t have any. There was always an excuse. I always found the
thing someone else could have done and used it to excuse myself.
I felt I was powerless in life because I was. By
refusing to accept responsibility I was giving away any power I had the
second it appeared.
Looking for Responsibility
I have yet to see a situation in which one person
was completely at fault. I rarely even see an 80/20 split, and when I
do it is because there is a significantly disordered person in the
relationship. The most important thing I learned about responsibility is that
looking for my responsibility in every situation keeps my focus where it should
be, on the things I can control. It keeps me from wasting time trying to sort
out who is responsible for what. I try to look at what I did, see what’s my
fault (regardless what the other person did, my response is always my own) and
correct it.
This has nothing to do with the other person apologizing or
not. This has nothing to do with them at all. If I stay firmly on my side
of the street I don’t really have to worry about what other people do and I
don’t have to worry about what I will do because it is intentional. I can be
who I want to be regardless of how other people are acting.
Where could you be accepting more responsibility in life?
Where are you blaming someone else for your actions or your
response?
What would it look like to own these things?
by Jamesscotthenson | Aug 22, 2017 | Blog
Our Locus of Control
Our locus of control determines how much power we perceive
ourselves as having. An external locus of control leads us to blames others and
external circumstances for the things that happen to us. An internal locus of
control brings us to believe we have power and influence over what is going on
in our life.
I am a fan of an internal locus of control except where it
is irrational. There are things that are well beyond our control. Not accepting
this can lead to self-hatred or self-criticism on the one hand, or something
akin to a God complex on the other. Neither is useful.
Changing the Locus of Control
Shifting to an internal locus of control was the second
thing that allowed me to change my life. I remember looking at Tyler one day
and thinking about how this poor kid got screwed in the dad lottery, when a new
idea suddenly came to me.
What if I did something different?
Exploring this tiny little question led to other questions.
What if I made deliberate choices instead of going with
whatever came my way?
What if I had a plan?
What if I chose how I treated people based on who I wanted
to be instead of in response to how I perceive them as treating me?
What I created a path instead of choosing the one that
looked easiest?
It was magical at first, and a whole new world opened up to
me. There were a few hard lessons about the ego along the way, but these were
valuable in and of themselves. It was an entirely new way of looking at the
world.
Locus of Control and Our Response
At the core of all of it was the Truth that we always have
control over our response to the things that are beyond our control. There is
an unexplainable power and peace in this.
Do you do things, or do they happen to you?
Where are expressing helplessness when you have the power do
something differently?
Are you truly locked into choices and situations, or would
leaving them just be inconvenient?
Where is your locus of control?
by Jamesscotthenson | Aug 21, 2017 | Blog
We All Need Maps
People often ask me how I managed to make a change in my
life. This isn’t something I thought much about over the years. It just seemed
like something that happened. A change like this is frustrating for people who
are seeking it themselves because it doesn’t offer a plan. It would have been
frustrating for me when I needed to change. Being lost in the woods makes a map
seem most valuable.
So, because people started asking, I started thinking about
what it was that allowed me to change. I came up with a few different things.
The first thing that had to change was my narrative about
myself. It was thinking about this that got me started on narratives last week.
Hidden Narratives
I had a clear narrative about myself, that of being someone
who didn’t care, who just wanted to get drunk and high and all that nonsense. I
tried hard to seem like this was my real narrative even to myself, because I
thought it was cooler than my real narrative about myself. I wasn’t cut out for
it though. I cared about people and had a tremendous amount of anxiety and was
depressed a lot.
The real narrative I had about myself involved being a
loser, of not living up to my potential, of being worthless and unlikable. This
belief was the background music of my life. I didn’t even realize it was there,
but it set the mood and the tone for everything that happened.
Narratives About Ourselves
Changing this narrative was the most necessary part of
changing my life. A loser doesn’t win, someone who doesn’t live up to their
potential never does what they are capable of doing. An unlikable person
doesn’t get married and get along with co-workers and bosses. If the definition
is wrong, you have no chance of using the word correctly. Skewed blueprints
will never build a solid house.
Our narratives are our core beliefs. They tell us everything
about everything. If they are flawed, everything that emerges from them will be
as well.
What is your narrative about yourself, the story you tell
you about you?
Is it helpful? Is it oppressive? Is it accurate?
What could you do to change the narrative?
What kind of story would you like to be living in?
by Jamesscotthenson | Aug 20, 2017 | Blog
Welcome to the Sunday Pop-Up where I write about whatever
pops into my head. It’s hit or miss.
I’ve Already Won
I got to drive to Muleshoe to see Barbara wrestle last
night. Max has not been feeling well so we ended up having to drive right back.
I enjoy being out on the road though, and I love driving in West Texas. There
was a huge storm rolling in as we drove back into town. I’ve never been
anywhere that has storms like we have out here.
I look at my life and it’s pretty cool. I’m wearing a shirt
with my wife on it right now because she does cool stuff. I love my kids and my
work and the amount of freedom and autonomy I have in life. I’m a guy who
dropped out of high school, got booted out of college a few times, and made so,
so many mistakes along the way that there is no way I have any business with a
life and a wife and family like I’ve got. I don’t have much concern about
my projects failing or not moving forward a lot more if I don’t. All things
considered, I’ve already won.
Future Plans
Keeping the blog a daily thing was the clear winner in the
vote for what to do when the year is up. I think I will try to do this by
mixing new content with older posts that I am updating for better SEO. I have
quite a few things I want to get off the ground, but I am finding that time is
an issue. I don’t waste a lot of time, but I still need to figure out a way to
do a few more things. I want to move off of the Embracing Fate URL, I just need
to figure out a good way to do it. I do wish I had learned more about computers
earlier in life.
The End of the World
I have not figured out what the big deal about the eclipse
is but can admit it brings up this weird dread in me. I think that a little too
much time in apocalypse/rapture oriented parts of society has made these things
ominous in my mind. I do vaguely remember watching one through the curtains at
a motel with my mom but have discovered that many of our memories can be
completely misleading. I will have to ask her about it.
As always, thank you for taking the time to read. I hope
your week starts off and stays great.
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