My brain is doing its weird insomnia thing again, so I’ve been having trouble sleeping at all, and then waking up at 3am every morning. I don’t really mind being up earlier than usual, but it starts to wear on me mentally after a few days. We traveled a bit for Spring Break and this didn’t help.I never really sleep well away from home.
The last week has been an exercise in trying to be mindful of my emotions and thoughts, but it gets harder with every day without sleep.
This has been paired with being around people and noise and activity every single day, which also wears on me. It’s interesting to watch how this all builds up and feeds in on itself and starts to create a dark story about the world around me. I try to be aware of the fact that nothing has changed, but our thoughts and emotions create so much of our experience of the present that it’s like trying to bite my own teeth at a point.
All the mindfulness in the world will eventually lose out to a lack of sleep.
I’ve been thinking about what things were like before the internet. I know that our minds love to idealize things, but I am pretty sure there are aspects of that world I do actually miss. I kind of miss not knowing every little thing that was going on in the world, not being able to have any movie or song available on demand, not knowing what everyone I know had for breakfast or where they stand politically.
I wonder if any of us have been helped by the ability to speak our mind whenever and wherever we want, to be able to broadcast our thoughts to everyone who hasn’t unfollowed us. I do not think we are better off for allowing the dumbest and meanest and ugliest members of our species a place to say whatever they want without repercussions or consequences. I know mocking and sarcasm have always been part of being human, but we have put them on steroids in the last few years.
Looking ahead at the week: tomorrow we will talk about mindfulness and all the urges that drive us to do things. I think we’ll also look at the way we talk to each other as a culture, how we let our ideologies/religious beliefs dismiss the suffering of others and ourselves, and how we treat the innocent people in the world.
If you got a Spring Break, I hope you enjoyed it. If you didn’t I hope your normal week was a good one.