by Jamesscotthenson | Sep 9, 2017 | Blog
Oh man, only 9 left. I am looking forward to taking a break
from it now that I have it set in my mind.
Building on the topic of honesty from the day before
yesterday.
I struggle with the idea of smiling through anger and just
patting people on the back when you want to strangle them. I don’t struggle
with managing it. That’s easy. I struggle with the dishonesty of it.
This kind of behavior is very much a part of the culture
where I live. We couch it in Christian love and Southern hospitality, but at
its core it’s dishonest. It quickly turns passive aggressive and condescending
and retaliatory because the person can’t maintain it for long. It’s too hard to
hide the truth for any significant length of time.
The smile on our face can only hide the middle finger in our
heart for so long.
A smile on our face is window dressing, the middle finger in
our heart is the actual product. It turns us into a bright red apple that is
full of worms. A house with new windows and doors and a manicured lawn that is
full of rats. A car with a new paint job and tinted windows without an engine
or seats. I wonder if it would just be better to have the middle finger on our
face and be done with it. At least then the problem could be dealt with, and
everyone could move forward in honesty.
Is it honest to smile at people when you have a middle
finger in your heart?
Is there a way to address things instead of hiding them?
Is conflict always wrong?
by Jamesscotthenson | Sep 6, 2017 | Uncategorized
If You Can’t Say Something Nice…
This post began rattling around in my head because I wanted
to start an experiment in my life where I didn’t say anything negative or
critical of anyone or anything for 30 days. I am a positive and supportive
person, but it feels like a dedication to honesty often drags me into what
feels like criticism, and I dislike that.
I spent a lot of years of my life as someone who needed
everyone to like him. A lot of adults saw me as an oppositional, rebellious
kid, but I just wanted approval. I would be nicer to some people than I wanted
to be and I tried to be nicer to people than I felt like being. This was,
ultimately, dishonest behavior.
In later years, I wanted to be a positive person, so I erred
on the side of encouragement. I wanted to be helpful and supportive, but I look
back at times where this felt disingenuous as I said things I did not believe.
This was also, ultimately, dishonest.
When I realized this, it bothered me. I wasn’t sure what it
looked like to be completely honest all the time, but after reading Sam
Harris’s book Lying, I decided to try radical honesty. I still try to stick to
it as much as I can. It’s not easy, and I do not know that I will ever approach
Harris’s level of frankness and integrity.
Here’s the thing though.
I am trying to work out the line between being honest, and
speaking poorly of someone or something else. I do not like how often this
approach to life puts me in the position of saying something negative about
other people and other things. I try to be very clear and say that something is
just my opinion or perception, but I still dislike how much negativity this can
bring into my day.
Is silence really better if you can’t say anything nice?
It’s a tough choice between saying something honest and
critical and being dishonest but positive. I suppose the third option is just
not saying anything at all but is this helpful to the person who is asking you?
Doesn’t your silence tell them how you feel? What if they are about to make an
objectively poor decision, or about to put their trust in someone who will not
honor it? What about the unhealthy people out there who harm others despite not
necessarily meaning to? What about the unhealthy people who harm others on
purpose?
I dislike the amount of conflict being honest can bring into
my life, but I struggle with the idea of being dishonest or lying by omission.
I am not sure how to reconcile these things.
by Jamesscotthenson | Sep 5, 2017 | Blog
Are you in the club?
We all have our out-groups and in-groups. People who are in
our club and people who aren’t.
People we automatically trust a little more than we trust
others, people who get a free pass.
People we automatically distrust a little more, people who
have to work a little harder to be in our more inner circles.
This makes the world easier to navigate. It also, like all
shortcuts, causes us to miss huge parts of the trip and may cost us vital
information along the way. All convenience has hidden problems woven into it.
At their heart, convenience and labels and categories are
there to help us think less. To make decisions more quickly and with less
deliberation. This is good in many ways. There is no way we can consider every
possibility on every decision. I get that.
This is problematic when it comes to people, whether they
are in our club or in another club. We make decisions before we have all the
facts or even any of the facts. We make decisions before we even meet the
person.
What happens when you aren’t in the club?
A lot of people never have to encounter this is any real
way. If they look like the dominant club, think like the dominant club and
believe what the dominant club believes, everything is fine for them. They
don’t actually have to know they are in a club or that there is even a club to
be in. For them, it is simply the way things are and everyone who isn’t in
their club is weird or wrong or misled. Water to a fish.
This doesn’t mean that their club has all the answers
or that there is nothing good in other clubs. It doesn’t mean they are right or
best or most beautiful. It just means they are in the biggest club. The one
with the most members, in their particular geographic region, in their
particular time period. Someone somewhere else thinks their club is the best
because it is the biggest.
What clubs are you in?
How do you view people who are in your club?
What about people in a club different from yours?
How quickly do you trust someone just because they profess
to be in your club?
Are there ways these shortcuts could be costing you?
by Jamesscotthenson | Sep 4, 2017 | Blog
“Do you really believe that what people do doesn’t matter?
Is your response really all you care about?”
People Matter. So Does Your Response.
Yes and no.
Yes, I do believe that my response to what people do is what
matters because it is all I have control over. Yes, I do think that what people
do is often neutral, and I just dislike it because it is inconvenient for me.
These things are true.
But also, no.
I very much believe that what we all do matters, and I do
care about the choices people make and how they behave. I would not be writing
a daily blog if I didn’t. I wouldn’t be a counselor, and I wouldn’t work as
hard as I do. I wouldn’t be invested in teaching meditation.
Response to Difficult People
Of course what other people do matters and affects us. I
very often see people approach situations in their lives in a way that is
unskillful, and very often harmful. A great deal of what I walk with people
through is a result of things other people have done to them. We are not
isolated beings unaffected by those around us.
We are a messy, mean and stupid species in so many ways. We
are suicidally disinterested in being intentional in our lives, and almost
completely self-absorbed. This seems fairly obvious. There is no way around the
fact that my life would be much less complicated and much more peaceful without
other people in it. The same is probably true of yours.
But, the uncomfortable thing about all of this is that all
the stupid, messy stuff that people do makes sense to them. There is some kind
of math going on in their head that makes it seem like a good idea. They have a
reason for it, and you most likely won’t be able to talk them out of it in any
real way very quickly. For all we know, they are making the right choice for
themselves too. Inconvenient for me does not equal wrong.
Your Response Is All You Have
So, it all comes down to our response to the things we
cannot control. It all comes down to how we react to the things that happen to
us, whether they happen because of other people or not. To get caught up in how
someone else should have behaved or what they should have
done is foolish.
Respond with compassion.
Be kind.
Put yourself in their shoes.
Understand that you are not perfect.
Deal with what is in front of you.
Focus on how you respond to that.
I promise, it will keep you busy.
So yes, what other people do matters and it can affect us.
But no, I do not think there is much purpose in getting too invested in things
that are beyond our control. We can offer help when people ask for it, but it
is still within their control.
My response is all I’ve got. That’s where I put my energy.
by Jamesscotthenson | Sep 3, 2017 | Blog
Welcome to the Sunday Pop-Up, where I write about whatever
pops into my head.
I have decided to take at least a month off from blogging
once I hit the full year. It’s not that I don’t like writing this or getting it
ready each morning, it is honestly just because I cannot find anywhere else to
cut time from to work on a few other things. I just don’t know where else to
shift – I really don’t have a lot of time I just waste. After I get some things
rolling and get in the groove of doing them, I will go back to blogging if
anyone still cares about it.
We are up in New Mexico right now. It was a rough drive. I
wound up throwing up and feeling sicker than I have ever felt – it was weird. I
was shaking and couldn’t hold my head up, but a good night’s sleep made a huge
difference. Barbara and I went hiking today and we spent the evening around the
campfire with family and friends. I feel like I have been on vacation for a
week. Time with good people is important.
It seems like we may be looking at some difficult economic
times in the near future, most notably in relation to gas prices. Unfortunately,
this applies to everything associated with gas, which is everything else. It
might be time to put a little money aside so that we can help ourselves and
others. One cool thing about tough times is the way you see the best come out
in so many people. Sure, the worst comes out in others but they are a small
number compared to everyone else.
It’s a cool world, with a lot of cool people in it.
Enjoy your week.
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