by Jamesscotthenson | May 4, 2017 | Blog
Kids are weird.
Maybe you have kids, maybe you don’t, but we all encounter
them at some point, and they are weird.
They live in their own little worlds and have almost no understanding
of how things work.
It is our job to help them understand how to live skillfully
on this planet, but we can get caught up in so many other things that we drop
the ball if we are not careful.
When it comes to kids, especially our own, the “shoulds” can
creep in and make a mess if we are not mindful.
We have millions of shoulds, given to us by our own
upbringings, cultures, religions, wants, needs, plans and everything else that
creates our perception of the world.
Kids should be seen and not heard.
Kids should play sports and be dedicated to them.
Kids should make A’s and B’s.
Kids should never talk back.
Kids should do chores.
Kids should listen to adults instantly.
Kids should go to bed at a certain time.
Kids should play with certain toys.
Kids should always be respectful.
And so on.
Don’t get me wrong, quite a few of these are good things to
instill in our children, and many will help them have easier lives. But they
are all blanket statements, and they will all be challenged at some point.
It is important for any of us raising children to be aware
of why we are doing what we are doing, and why different things are important
to us. A mindful lifestyle can help us with this. It can help us be aware of
our own shoulds so that we can know exactly why we believe what we believe.
Do you agree or disagree with the shoulds mentioned above
for a reason, or was it instinctual?
Can you make a solid case for or against them?
If you cannot, can you let them go?
by Jamesscotthenson | May 3, 2017 | Blog
I often have people tell me that they hate mindfulness
because it is making them angry or anxious, and they want to quit.
While I understand the desire to escape from what we label
as negative emotions, mindfulness does not generate these things in us, it
simply makes us aware that they are there.
I think this is a good thing.
If you have termites in your walls, they will destroy your
home whether you know they are there or not.
Emotions have an impact whether we are aware of them or not.
A mindfulness practice allows us to acknowledge and work
with difficult emotions instead of waiting for the house to fall down around
us.
Meditation can serve as a global desensitizer if we let it.
When difficult emotions arise we can turn toward them, and
allow them to exist exactly as they are instead of trying to run away or stuff
them down.
Over time, this makes them much more bearable.
Sometimes it can help to simply acknowledge them for what
they are.
Anger.
Frustration.
Resentment.
Worry.
Fear.
Embarrassment.
Humiliation.
Rejection.
Sadness.
No stories, just labeling.
No judgment, just naming.
Simply acknowledging something instead of running from it
can give us a small degree of power in the situation, and that is often all we
need. Once we realize that our emotions are just warning lights, we can
appreciate them for the role they play in our consciousness.
Sometimes we can even befriend them.
Try this today.
When you find yourself resisting an emotion or feeling, just
take a moment to stop and acknowledge it.
Name it and allow it to be exactly as it is.
Ask yourself if it is really hurting you.
Let yourself sit with any painful or uncomfortable physical
sensations that might arise with it.
See what they feel like without the stories about them,
without the fear.
Explore your experience with a friendly curiosity and see
what you find.
Return to your breath if it becomes overwhelming.
Allow yourself to expand, to be large enough to accept
whatever you might be feeling.
Breathe.
Have a great day.
by Jamesscotthenson | May 2, 2017 | Blog
The idea of cultivating an open, nonjudgmental awareness of
what is happening right here, right now, is nothing special.
It is probably more natural than the distracted state we
live most of our lives in. I’ve written about the mindfulness
fad we are in the midst of in the past, but this shallow popularity
does not detract from what a mindful lifestyle has to offer.
Since a majority of this month will explore informal
mindfulness exercises and ways of being, today we will touch on what a formal
mindfulness practice looks like.
The most important thing to remember is that you will become
distracted. This isn’t bad, it isn’t a problem, it is the mind doing what the
mind does.
When you notice you are distracted, you are mindful again.
Let that be the end of the end of it. There is no need for
stories or assessments.
So, to start, just find a comfortable position to sit. If
you are using a chair you want your feet flat on the floor, if you are on the
floor try to establish a stable base so you don’t tip over. Let your spine be
straight, but without losing the natural curve it has. Your hands can just rest
comfortably, your eyes can close naturally.
Become aware of your body. Notice any places of tension or
discomfort. Invite them to relax, to soften. Notice the expression on your face
and let it rest. Check your jaw, your hands and your neck for tension. Let your
shoulders drop away from your ears. Let the belly be soft.
Notice your breath. Not thinking about breathing, but simply
experiencing it. Breathe deep into your body, letting the belly expand and contract,
just watching as the breath comes and goes. Notice the difference in
temperature between the in-breath and the outbreath. Observe the rise and fall
of the body.
Let yourself be aware of what is going on in your body,
noticing different sensations without labeling them as good or bad. Allow
yourself to sit with whatever arises in the body, mind or emotions. Not getting
caught up in stories about what is going on, but simply experiencing everything
without judgment. You can always return to the breath.
There are many things arising in the present moment to
notice. Sounds, sensations, thoughts, emotions, and, always, the breath. Be
aware of how we can observe these things and allow them to be exactly as they
are. The breath is always there as an anchor for the present, return to it
whenever you find you’ve become distracted.
Do this for however long you have. I recommend people start
with 5 minutes, adding time as they go. Twenty minutes a day can change your
life.
For the next few days we will keep adding to the foundation
of a mindful lifestyle, looking at things in a broader sense before narrowing
it down and looking at specific, day-day-instances. If this interests you, the
easiest way to follow along is to like Dying Daily Counseling and Meditation
on Facebook, or by signing up for the mailing list on this blog. You
can just add me on
Facebook as well.
Thanks for reading, take care.
by Jamesscotthenson | Mar 16, 2017 | Blog
We rarely experience the world as it really is.
Maybe we never experience the world as it really is.
Instead, we live in a constant engagement with our shaped
perceptions, which in turn causes us to live in our opinions on things.
Think of all the things you have an opinion on.
Music, movies, the roads, the weather, what kind of house or
apartment you have, your car, how you neighbor’s place looks, your spouse, your
kids, daylight savings time. That’s all just scratching the surface.
Now, think of how much impact your opinion has on any of
these things.
I have never seen the weather change because of someone’s
opinion on it, or a movie get better or a new house magically appear.
And that’s the problem with opinions: they only change us,
not reality.
It doesn’t even matter if you opinion is valid or not, and,
chances are, your opinion is nowhere near as airtight as you think it is. Most
of what we like and don’t like is conditioned in us and based on familiarity
rather than facts. I actually like the Minions movie now that I have seen it a
dozen or so times. Radio works the same way. So do ads and commercials.
Republican or Democrat, Capitalist or Socialist, Belieber or
Metalhead, Cowboy or Eagle fan, none of this is real and none of it matters.
All sides could produce volumes of evidence as to why their side is best and
the other side is terrible and they would believe it to be unimpeachable and of
the highest integrity.
All just opinions.
There are a few benefits to challenging our opinions, like
being less annoying to others.
I have been known to be a little opinionated in my
less-than-best moments, and it hasn’t ever made me a friend. It has only served
to put me in opposition to others and to try to dominate conversations. I still
have opinions. Lots and lots of them. But I try to remember they are
just opinions, and that they are irrelevant.
More than this, our opinions feed our egos.
They are born of us thinking we know better than others, and
they maintain their existence on that same belief. Every time we assert our
opinion we are saying we are right, we know best. We are, by necessity, saying
someone else is wrong. We are feeding this idea that we are smarter or a better
judge of quality than other people.
Lastly, and most importantly (in my opinion) they keep us
from engaging what is.
We cannot accept things as they are if we are busy
opinionating on them, and we will always be in a state of making comparisons on
a reality that exists independently of and supersedes us.
Today, ask yourself what good your opinions are doing you.
Ask yourself if they are based on truth, or familiarity and
personal preference.
Ask if they are worth stating at all.
Ask yourself why you believe them.
See if this opens up some room to accept things as they are,
and to experience the present moment without judgment.
Then again, this is all just the opinion of some idiot with
a blog.
I am not sure I even buy into it.
by Jamesscotthenson | Mar 9, 2017 | Blog
I am told I consider other people’s motives more than I
should.
Usually, if someone wrongs me, I can understand why they did
it, and I get how it made sense to them. This doesn’t mean it’s okay or that I
will let them do it again or that it doesn’t hurt my feelings, but it makes
sense.
I try to be as objective about my own motives, though I
often fail. I think we all want to believe we do the things we do on the level
and for the reasons we state we do them, but this is often not the case.
How mindful can we be of our own motives?
I went through a stage of hyper-vigilance of my motives a
few years back because I’d come to realize I was a deeply manipulative and
self-pitying person, and I wanted to weed these things out of myself. I tried
to study everything I did when it came to other people, and if I could not
guarantee myself I was doing things in an upfront manner, I just did not do
them.
This led me to be a pretty direct person, but it also led me
to a place of shock as I learned just how manipulative I was, and how subtly
this could manifest. I think I rooted out a lot of the overtly manipulative
tendencies during this time of intense focus on my motives, but it is still
funny to me to watch how hard my mind tries to make sure I get my way.
The only way I have found to avoid being manipulative is to
be very honest about what we want and what we need, especially with ourselves.
One of the scariest parts of observing our own minds is
learning just how much we seek to deceive ourselves with fake debates and
straight up lies, how often we say one thing while doing another, even when we
are only saying it inside our own head.
Being mindful allows us to observe all of this without
judgment or criticism of ourselves. This is important because judgment and
criticism serve no purpose, and only create suffering that will foster more
manipulation and deception. We have to have compassion for ourselves because
manipulation is nothing more than a way of seeking to meet our needs, it is
just an unskillful and ultimately destructive one.
Examining how often we do one thing while hoping for a
different outcome or say something indirect, hoping the other person will pick
up on what we really mean is important. We have a great capacity to recognize
when we are being manipulated, if only intuitively and subconsciously, and we
don’t like it.
When we manipulate, even to meet our needs or to seek
connection from someone else, we actually drive them away if they are healthy
and good for us.
Explore your own motives today, ask yourself exactly why you
are doing what you do.
Are there things it might be better to simply ask for
directly?
If you do not feel you can ask directly, what (if anything)
does this tell you about your relationship with the other person?
What (if anything) does it tell you about the thing you are
wanting/needing?
Is there a way to live without being manipulative at all?
What would that look like?
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